coolmite

Here’s my entry. I might have another.

Intro: Three men standing at an L Stop in Chicago.

 

Tim: (to Chris) So, is that Superman in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

 

Chris: Shut the Hell up!

 

Tim: What, you couldn’t find a roll of Lifesavers?

 

Chris: Tim, just drop it!

 

Tim: I would, but you’ll pick it up, put a cape on it and shove it in your front pocket.

 

Patrick: Problem, gentlemen?

 

Chris: No, Patrick. No problem here.

 

Tim: That’s right, Pat. There’s no problem here.

 

Chris: That’s right.

 

Tim: It’s just a shame we couldn’t bring the Batcave playset with us.

 

Chris: Seriously, shut the fuck up!

 

Patrick: Chris, what is he talking about?

 

Chris: Nothing!

 

Patrick: Wait, are you?

 

Chris: (sighs) Yes.

 

Tim: You know about this?

 

Patrick: Yeah, he’s been doing this for years. Who is it this time?

 

Chris: Green Lantern.

 

Patrick: (holding out his hand) Which one?

 

Chris: Guy Gardner. The one with the Moe Howard haircut.

 

Patrick: Give it to me, Chris.

 

Chris: Patrick, please. I’m not hurting anyone.

 

Patrick: Come on. You remember what Dad said if he caught you carrying those things around again.

 

Chris: That was a long time ago! I’m grown up now.

 

Patrick: Too grown up for the belt? Huh?

 

Chris: Come on, Pat! Please. Not the belt!

 

Tim: Wait, Pat, come on. I was kidding! You don’t have to make an ass of yourself or him.

 

Chris: (begging and hiding behind Tim) Pat, please!

 

Patrick: (taking off his belt) Oh, I don’t have to make an ass of myself, but I’m going to for Dad’s sake. NOW GIVE ME THAT ACTION FIGURE!

 

Chris: No! (runs from Patrick around other people waiting for the L)

 

Patrick: (snapping the belt) I’m doing this for your own good, Christopher!

 

Chris: NOOOO!

 

(Patrick wrestles Chris to the ground. Patrick takes the action figure and holds it over the train tracks. )

 

Tim: (picks up Patrick and throws him aside.) GET OFF HIM! What’s the matter with you? It’s just an action figure.

 

Patrick: You wouldn’t understand.

 

Mugger: (draws gun) Give me all of your money or you’re dead.

 

(Patrick raises his hands. The figure in his hand glows bright green and disintegrates the mugger with a green laser).

 

(Chris stands up and grabs the figure out of Tim’s hand)

 

Chris: Asshole! (Chris storms off down the platform.)

 

 

 

Check this out.

Oh, Hell. I’ll just give you the highlights.

URGEN MESSAGE FROM NIGERIA, ER, AMERICA

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Doesn’t that just make you grin from ear to ear? I mean, yes, Rome is burning all around us, but that’s really funny. Also surprising, as I’m sure someone at the Treasury would have thought of this sooner.

Stupid leveraged firms. These firms were leveraged out sometimes 35-1 over their assets. THIRTY-FIVE to FREAKING ONE! No wonder they’ve all gone south!

Not to openly bitch about the rich getting richer at the expense of the rest of us, but damn it, I’m tired of seeing hedge fund traders play bait and switch with our market and the never seen before today credit swap market. It honestly makes me want to hide my money in a mattress.

And, of course, since the confidence in the businesses that lend and respect credit relies on public trust, of course we have to make up the difference. We can trust ourselves, at least, if we can’t trust these shysters on Wall Street. I think I’ll send this Nigerian e-mail to the folks at AIG or WaMu…

I just finished watching “Definitely, Maybe”–a good romance comedy that revolves around a dad’s divorce and his daughter trying to figure out why it was happening.

While watching, I kept thinking how horrible it would be if Karyn and I divorced. The idea of losing my best friend and partner and seeing my kids on separate days of the week is just crushing. Fortunately, I don’t believe we’ll ever be in those straits.

That doesn’t mean Karyn and I haven’t been touched by divorce. Close relatives and friends have experienced divorce and survived. They’re leading different, yet happy lives–lives which took a while to rebuild. We pray for them and for their kids whose families aren’t the same anymore.

Hold on to whomever you’re with right now. Time and life are fleeting. And don’t give me a hard time about watching a Ryan Reynolds movie, either. Yes, I know he was Van Wilder, but I don’t care. It was a good movie.

I listened to Gov. Sarah Palin’s address tonight, and hacky barbs at Sen. Obama aside, she was pretty impressive. I’ve always liked John McCain, even since 2000 when he got punked by our current President in the Republican primary.

So why won’t I vote for them?

Good question. I think for me, it boils down to one thing right now. I don’t believe either of them. I don’t believe they’ll change Washington. I don’t believe their efforts to lower the taxes of the wealthy are going to make me more prosperous. I like what they have to say about entrepreneurism and lowering corporate taxes. As a parent, I understand what it means to be able to send your children to an achieving school and not a failing one. I also understand how education funding works and that it’s not that simple for every school to be successful just by lowering costs. A lot of what the McCain team–or the Obama team can do relies on federal funds and their limitations. So, I don’t believe them, as a parent who chooses to send his children to the public school system, when they say that online, or charter or private schools are or should be my first option as a parent. It almost seems like they’d rather education not be public at all. So I don’t believe they would do anything more than create standards that would be underfunded at the federal level to begin with.

As for our national defense, I would tend to lean toward someone who has been through a war, like John McCain has. His courage and fortitude in the face of adversity are two of the attributes I like about him. I think; however, that he has chosen to throw his lot in with the neoconservatives who wanted to attack Iraq five seconds after the second plane hit the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. His view of America is one where we set up shop and defend our interests in all corners of the globe, especially those in which we aren’t really welcome. I believe, after hearing Sen. McCain say that the US should be in Iraq for 100 years, that the invasion was simply a means to guarantee that we’d have bases and military ready to defend those interests, whether they be oil or otherwise. I wish I believed that our role as a nation is to spread freedom and sovereignty through military might. Guess what? I don’t. Mayor Rudy 9iu11iani (typo?) said that America should always be seen as a shining beacon on the hill (quote from someone else, I know. It’s late). You can’t franchise America’s beacon and force it on others. Russia is trying to do that now in Georgia. No one sees the irony here?

Sen. Barack Obama was not my first choice. I actually wanted John Edwards to get the nomination, but I’m thankful he didn’t in light of his own personal problems. Once I got to learn more about Obama, I came to respect his thoughtfulness, his ability to inspire others to do things that were larger than themselves. He has helped steelworkers who have lost their jobs to rebuild their lives on the South Side of Chicago. He has fought to end domestic violence and abuse in the Illinois legislature. He has worked–like all Senators do–with Republicans like Richard Lugar in order to stop nuclear proliferation. I believe him when he tells me something. I used to believe John McCain. Then, he caved in on the definition of torture. He planned for 100 years of our military in Iraq–like the Marshall Plan! Except that Germany was an industrialized nation that was equipped to turn itself around and didn’t rely on us for every single thing and tens of billions of dollars to rebuild their country–that we destroyed–instead of rebuilding our own country.

I believe Senator Obama cares about little people like me. I like that he’s open to meeting with other leaders without preconditions to try to find common ground. Sen. Biden is a bit of a blowhard and is in the pocket of the credit card companies. He does know foreign policy though and will be a good negotiator and stand-in for President Obama, should the need arise.

Well, that’s where I’m at around midnight on Sept. 4 as I think about Gov. Palin’s speech. It certainly helped me get my thoughts in perspective. I believe Senator Obama. I don’t believe Senator McCain.

My apologies to Sen. Barack Obama, on co-opting a bit of his phraseology. I have a bone to pick with GiftConga.com, a business that is the home of “free” gifts so long as you try and subscribe to their partner sponsors.

I’m a soccer fan in Ohio, so I thought I’d get a Columbus Crew home jersey. All I had to do was try three offers, get these trials noted by GiftConga, and I’d get my shirt in 3-5 business days after that. Sounds simple, right?

I accepted offers from Doubleday Books, Overnight Genius and PC Now. They were approved and I was billed for products. I needed to get this done by March 29. I was done and approved on March 24. Come on, Crew shirt.

Wrong.

See, much to my chagrin–and probably the chagrin of thousands of others–I received no shirt. Oh, supposedly it was sent, but there is no record of any such package anywhere, any place, any time.

I have tried to plead my case with GiftConga, claiming I met all their requirements, only to find the only redress I have is to write them scathing e-mails that their customer service honks can choose whether or not to respond. Talk about your service.

Anyway, I’m pleading with all of you to avoid using GiftConga.com. They have been fraudulent to me; they’ll be fraudulent to you. If you have had a bad experience with them, list it here. I’d love to comiserate and see if there is anything we can do together.